Have You Emotionally Left Your Spouse?
One major problem with divorces is that when one partner finally breaks the news that they want to end the marriage, they have already emotionally distanced themselves from it for a substantial amount of time, possibly even years. This is when one partner is ready to see an Auckland divorce lawyer.
If this sounds like, and you have already left your relationship in emotional terms, you are hoping that the rest of the divorce is a simple set of documents to be signed. However, that is not likely. To have a kind divorce, consider how your partner feels, the effect that will have on the legal process, division of the relationship property, and childcare issues.
Take Judy for example. She has been feeling miserable for quite a long time and went to see an Auckland divorce lawyer. There is no family violence, but the lack of connection has resulted in her being deeply resentful towards her husband. From the outside, there does not seem to be anything wrong with their relationship. For Jane, the years of being ignored have taken their toll and she determined to escape and move on with her life.
At mediation, it is evident that her husband, Steve, is completely distraught as he voices his disbelief at the current situation. Discussion quickly starts to disintegrate as his mental state suggests that he is not in the same headspace as Judy. At this stage he was unable to process and manage the legal process.
He is shocked, unable to comprehend why his wife is leaving him. After all the years together and the high standard of living he has provided, he can only question what his relationship with the children will be, how he will manage on his own, and what his retirement now holds.
Once the legal discussion started to become difficult, the husband Steve, began responding with remarks to Jane such as, “Have you really considered this? I don’t understand what you want to achieve. Why didn’t you discuss it with me so we could have worked out a solution?”. This caused Jane emotional distress since all she wanted was to move on as fast as she could.
For Jane, the legal work is simply a formality. She has already gone through the heartache of a breakup and pondered questions like “How can I leave?”, “How will it affect the children?” and “How will I cope financially?” She has put her plans for the future in motion, researching potential places to live, how she will live her life, and how the children will be cared for. Steve on the other hand, is still picking himself up from the emotional mauling he has been given.
Tips On The Divorce Paperwork
The first step is to realise your partner is in shock and needs to process what’s happening. You need to create space for them to do this. Even if you feel frustrated, being kind and understanding where they are emotionally, will help get through the paperwork quicker.
Having spent years and sometimes even decades together, it’s unlikely that you will know who to deal with a divorce. It is a good idea to find a divorce coach who will work out with you how to best support your partner through the process. A common approach is to set a timetable to address different issues in shorter meetings, rather than one long one where emotions can escalate. That way, you won’t have to try and cover every point in a long meeting.
When it is clear to the other partner that you are not going back, another way to ease the process for them is to ask what you can do to help them. It may be allowing a bit more time for them to gather all their documents together. If you have been wanting to leave for a few years, another week or so is a small price to pay for a more amicable outcome.
How To Divorce Well
Summing up, allow your partner to have some space to react in their own way, don’t be reactive to them. Check if they have any support to help them through the ordeal. Set a pace for doing the paperwork that they can cope with, not one that you would prefer. Consider slowing down the process for them to handle the emotions but still be sure to press forward kindly.
In case you have already emotionally left your relationship, you might want to work with a lawyer as well as a coach. Even better will be if you can find a lawyer who is also a divorce coach. Adrianne McLean is one such Auckland divorce lawyer. You can get more details from her website.